There is something inherently wrong with the idea of
uprooting a young woman and relocating her to another household after marriage.
It makes no sense at any level except that it panders to our so called Indian
family values. Let us say you are getting married. As a bride, what is the most
important thing on your mind? Most
people would say, to look ravishing and appealing. I will submit that you
should only be thinking of how you will be able to adjust in a new household
full of members you know next to nothing about. The honeymoon period with your
husband may last forever but with your in-laws, it almost ends as soon as it
starts! There is way too much collective intelligence to corroborate this.
First, I say to the daughters-in-law, how do you expect that
your mother –in- law who has been running the household thus far, to relinquish
her domain to an outsider? Even in the animal kingdom capitulation happens
after bloodshed! She has her own unique way of running her household, of
ordering her groceries or of cooking dal in a particular way. Now, you enter with
your own particular way of doing things, a way that has been developed in your
parents’ house with elements of their cultural upbringing and your own
individualism. I cannot even start counting the number of times I’ve heard
friends say how their mothers-in-law scoff at their tadka’s or size of
chappatis or bed making style! It is so foolish that it is ridiculous! From my
own experience I can share that I know of occasions where a mother-in-law kept
redoing dining table arrangement for a whole week (because god forbid, heavens
would have fallen if the newly entered daughter-in-law’s table arrangements
would have been allowed to contaminate the house) till her daughter-in-law got
the hint. So first things first, it is not your house ladies, it is your
mother-in-law’s. No matter how many times she tells you it is yours and now you
are the new queen in the making, do not believe it. It’s a lie because
psychologically, it cannot ever happen.
It is like winning the jackpot on KBC, it happens, but rarely and that
too after tears of blood have been shed. So , ladies, please understand that
yours is a position that is lower on the pecking order and if you live with
your in-laws, it will remain so till one of you departs (not from the world
necessarily)! So if you’ve chosen to be a part of the great modern Indian joint
family of the 21st century, please understand that you will need to
accept that you cannot function in the same way and be the same person as you
were in your mother’s house. Learn to adjust, be large hearted and take the
higher road – always. Learn the art of
compromise. Please also learn that your dream of having a cozy little heaven on
earth with your husband will not exist till you run your own household.
Frankly, it is also a bit absurd to try and take over from your mother-in-law.
Why should you? It’s her life and it is her house. You should learn to coexist.
It is a delicate dance. As long as you understand that ownership of your
husband and the household is shared, you will definitely be able to devise a
formula for happiness.
Now, to mothers –in-law, I want to say, that don’t be scared
of telling your son to move out of the house when he gets married. His blood
will not turn to water and he will still carry your DNA when he lives in
another house with another woman! Please
don’t care about what the world says. If they want to crap all over your face
because of this and gossip about you, it’s ok. They will not have to live
through hell when you and your daughter-in-law stake your respective claims on
the household and your son! Besides, for how long do you propose to pander to
his every whim and fancy? Walk the talk. If you say ‘ab tumhari wife aa kar
tumhara khyal rakhegi”, please mean it. Let them run their lives, in another
house, as they want. Don’t be bothered
about whether he’s getting chappatis fresh off the tawa. If he eats re-heated
chappatis made by his wife earlier, it should be none of your bloody business!
Let them be. Don’t be saying “tu toh patla ho gaya hai” or “shaadi ke bad to
tuney fruit khana hi band kar diya” or “tu shaadi key baad bahut peeney laga
hai”! You need to give your son and his
new wife a fighting chance to succeed in their marriage. You don’t want to
jeopardize it for them by bitching to your son every evening when he returns
from home that you’ve been insulted by his wife. Most of these so called
insults are usually a feature of a loss in translation. The others are pure
imagination! If you must stay in the same house and pretend to be from a
Rajshri productions family, then please try and make your daughter-in-law feel
at home. After all, she left a safe and known environment to come to your
house, you did not! You will get her undying and everlasting appreciation and
loyalty if you let her do some things the way she wants and zip your mouth in
the process even if you are itching to tell her she sucks! Try and see reason in her argument when your
son is wrong. Do try and tell your son off in front of her so that she knows
that you are wise and a go-to person and won’t be territorial and churlish. But
if you have any common sense at all, you will circumvent this minefield by
asking your son and daughter-in-law to start an independent home right after
they get married. Visit often if you wish and stay peaceful because you’re not
in each other’s face.
To all daughters-in-law I say, your husbands should not
become a bone of contention. After all, he was her son before he became your
husband and unless he is a completely empty and vacuous vessel, he will
definitely have emotions for his mother. Maybe he will even be dysfunctional as
many Indian men are because something in their upbringing forces them to suffer
from tremendous guilt when it comes to their mothers. Many older couples of my parent’s generation
lived hellish lives. They were married off to people they didn’t know and in
some cases, hadn’t even met. Because those times were different, gentler and
less competitive, these marriages survived. However, children of those marriages
unwittingly became pawns in this roll of dice. Since mother and father did not
have a relationship and mother was an all giving woman who had devoted every
living moment of her life to her son, it became his life’s obsession to do good
by his mother. Along comes a wife and that attention now needs to be divided
and so starts the drama. So, please understand that when your mother-in-law is waiting
to exhale, it is not because of what you’ve done necessarily, but, because you
are now a competitor. It is never about you but always about your husband. So
tell him that when he gets a saree for you, he should first get one for her.
When he comes home (and for some reason you’re still living with his mother),
he should first go and meet her and then come to you.
And, finally, to mothers-in-law. Your son is not your
husband. If you have a lousy relationship with your husband and you’ve been
pinning the burden of all your hopes on your son, you’ve done yourself, him and
his partner a big disservice. Your son cannot and should not be expected to
fill the gap for your husband. When you open the door of his car and sit in the
front seat while his wife is forced to sit at the back, you’re not showing any
wisdom. When you spar with his wife to clean his cupboard and arrange his
clothes, you have no idea how silly and tactless you seem. When you call him up
10 times in an hour during his date with his wife, you’re behaving like a
spurned lover. It’s not you against her. It can never be. He sleeps with her
every night. He will have children with her. And so, it only behoves you to
rise above this challenge and realize that your son cannot fill the place of
your husband.
All these battles happen on the psychological level. These
are all mind games that sometimes we do not even know we are competing in. But
one thing is for sure. There is no reason for two adults to live with one set
of parents. Everyone needs space and privacy. In fact, it is my opinion that
older people need more space and privacy in their homes as compared to young
couples. This is because they have lived all their lives in a house. It is no
wonder that they become territorial.
It’s best to respect their privacy and let them live happily while you
start your own little home like they must have several decades earlier. Live
next door to them but live separately. Meet for dinner every night or breakfast
before going to work but live separately. Do not destroy your happiness, peace
of mind, hopes and ultimately your marriage by pretending to be in a rose
colored family bubble- It does not exist. If it does, God’s obviously living in
your house and is personally watching your back!!
No comments:
Post a Comment